Thanks Koen, I think what you say is true. Yes, having finally written it down I do feel better about it. I can forgive myself because I'm not afraid to be honest with myself and others.
Yes, I still love climbing of course! That is part of why it's important for me to work though these problems, so I can improve and not make the same mistake twice. My words about wanting to leave that mountain as a "monument" to a set of bad things is my attempt to make really sure I don't get complacent.
Thanks again, have fun in Bergall or Wallis! I might get there too this summer, would love to climb the Cassin in Bergall or the Weisshorn in Wallis, for example.
I've planned two weeks end of july beginning of august around Wallis. We'll be starting of around the Almageller hutte, doing some acclimating and training. After that, hopefully en route to enjoy some nice routes around the Mischabel and/or Obergabelhorn, Zinalrothorn and who knows, maybe Weisshorn... making sure to keep protecting our belays ;-) Who knows, we might bump into each other around there (we can have some marschtee on the Weisshorn...
I felt very much the sadness and frustration and anger of what you went through, but it seems you are handling it honestly and openly. My hat's off to you.
I think too often people get cocky and do things unroped or poorly belayed for all the wrong reasons. My dad used to say, if you belay, then do it right. However, even if you do everything correctly, shit happens. Your account is hard on yourself, but you are a more solid partner because of it. It took a lot of courage to write this - much less go back.
I am so glad everything worked out - or we would never have spent a lovely evening in Garmisch swapping tall tales in 2006! :-))
Thanks Moni, that was fun indeed...you introduced me to the concept of "Ferienwohnungen," which we've now done several times. Yeah, in a way, I put that experience in a box like some kind of unstable isotope. It took a long time to accept it as part of myself. I eagerly aggregate into my sense-of-self all the glorious blue sky summits from our pursuit. Those are much easier! :-)
that SP would be the right place to post such a radical and painful confession - and is validated with that by such a lot of seriously answering people - that is what makes SP great for me.
Thank you, Michael!
Perhaps I may add that in the tradition of the orthodox churches the gift of tears has nothing disparaging but is considered a holy gift. A point I always have to think about.
Thanks Reinhard :-). Well, in the wake of some truly tragic events I realized that because I write a lot (TOO much!) about all the great times in the mountains, I might give the impression that everything is always perfect. I'm an eternal optimist by personality, and that's the way I _want_ things to be. But by continually failing to tell _this_ story, I wasn't living up to my responsibility.
I have a lot of respect and trust for the summitpost community: they are friendly but experienced...never scornful or sarcastic. That is the way I try to be, so I consider myself among friends.
The "gift of tears," I like that, and agree it is a good thing to contemplate. Wisdom comes quietly, sometimes painfully...but is a gift nonetheless.
Thanks for these words of Wisdom. I recall a BD catalog back in the mid 90's that told a story from the belayers perspective of watching an adjacent climber - losing focus and dropping his climbing partner. Ended with his partner going through months of surgery on both ankles. The PhD learned from the school of hard knocks is priceless - I appreciate this wake up call and I can promise you, I am a more attentive climber and belayer now.
we all have those tales - some just worked out and we got away with it...this time. It is so easy for that one moment of not knowing the route, of thinking we can get by with less protection, of taking our eyes off of our climber so we can take their photo...Fortunately for you, it was a lesson and not the end of the story, climb on friend. It was a good story.
An honest account - I respect that! We´ve all dropped a bollock it´s tough when we get caught out on it though.
Cheers and thanks again for that.
Charles
I appreciate your honesty, particularly in this statement "I didn't care what kind of narrative that would project about my resilience. The stories we tell ourselves about goals met, failures overcome, about "getting back on the horse," seemed hollow and pointless." I've grappled with those feelings as well. Ultimately for me, there is no justification for not being there for my wife and kids. I have to know my limits and play by the rules, even the simple/mundane ones. Thanks for that window into your experience.
Absolutely. Actually that sentence you quoted was one of the main realizations for me. It was hard to admit to myself that I didn't FEEL the way I thought I was SUPPOSED to feel, you know? Then it took even longer to be okay with that. Ah...pop psychology...:p
While you still suffer the psychological trauma of your mistake & the consequences, I think that the important things are that you guys both made it out OK; your partner forgave you (we all DO make mistakes- some are just costlier than others); your family didn't lose you; & you learned a valuable lesson.
It's a human tendency to scrutinize your own mistakes, as well as lay perhaps an overly critical amount of blame on yourself following an 'accident.' Since you guys are still on good terms, your buddy healed up OK & even got to still pursue his big Patagonia climbs, & things are 'normal' again for all parties involved, all is well that ends well. Sounds like you learned your lesson- now you just have to forgive yourself (many of us would likely have done the same thing you did, in a moment of poor decision making...).
Glad you are both OK.
Thanks for writing this- it is good for anyone reading, & helps to remind all of us that things can, & do, go wrong, & that simple safety precautions can literally mean the difference between life & death. I will remember this story when I'm up on the cliff.
Thanks Dirk. Yep, lots of folks have been through much worse, with actual, real lasting consequences. This experience was as close as I've come to those kinds of consequences, and in writing it down I just want to convey that it was close enough...it bothered me for a long time. At the same time, writing it down and getting feedback from people has helped me very much to put it in perspective. I'm still a "cup is half full" kind of guy, this was just something that gave me pause and took a while to process. :-)
Thanks for the honest way you told your story. The mountains are a Dangerous place. Thats one reason we love 'em but we must be aware. I have been close to serious error. But blessed with no damage on that occation.
Thanks again
Sage advice. I have been suprised over the years at how cavalier climbers can be on this issue. I know of one fairly well-documented death in which it was a professional guide who failed to protect the belay on an easy-but-exposed pitch on the Grand Teton. The failure to protect the belay almost cost the life of the second and actually might have cost his life by lengthening his fall.
mvs - Jun 25, 2009 1:17 pm - Hasn't voted
Re: thank youThanks Koen, I think what you say is true. Yes, having finally written it down I do feel better about it. I can forgive myself because I'm not afraid to be honest with myself and others.
Yes, I still love climbing of course! That is part of why it's important for me to work though these problems, so I can improve and not make the same mistake twice. My words about wanting to leave that mountain as a "monument" to a set of bad things is my attempt to make really sure I don't get complacent.
Thanks again, have fun in Bergall or Wallis! I might get there too this summer, would love to climb the Cassin in Bergall or the Weisshorn in Wallis, for example.
Koen - Jun 29, 2009 5:38 am - Voted 10/10
Re: thank youI've planned two weeks end of july beginning of august around Wallis. We'll be starting of around the Almageller hutte, doing some acclimating and training. After that, hopefully en route to enjoy some nice routes around the Mischabel and/or Obergabelhorn, Zinalrothorn and who knows, maybe Weisshorn... making sure to keep protecting our belays ;-) Who knows, we might bump into each other around there (we can have some marschtee on the Weisshorn...
alpinedon - Jun 26, 2009 11:10 pm - Hasn't voted
well writtenI felt very much the sadness and frustration and anger of what you went through, but it seems you are handling it honestly and openly. My hat's off to you.
Moni - Jun 27, 2009 10:11 pm - Voted 10/10
Good storyI think too often people get cocky and do things unroped or poorly belayed for all the wrong reasons. My dad used to say, if you belay, then do it right. However, even if you do everything correctly, shit happens. Your account is hard on yourself, but you are a more solid partner because of it. It took a lot of courage to write this - much less go back.
I am so glad everything worked out - or we would never have spent a lovely evening in Garmisch swapping tall tales in 2006! :-))
mvs - Jun 29, 2009 6:40 am - Hasn't voted
Re: Good storyThanks Moni, that was fun indeed...you introduced me to the concept of "Ferienwohnungen," which we've now done several times. Yeah, in a way, I put that experience in a box like some kind of unstable isotope. It took a long time to accept it as part of myself. I eagerly aggregate into my sense-of-self all the glorious blue sky summits from our pursuit. Those are much easier! :-)
reinhard2 - Jun 28, 2009 6:21 pm - Voted 10/10
That someone feelsthat SP would be the right place to post such a radical and painful confession - and is validated with that by such a lot of seriously answering people - that is what makes SP great for me.
Thank you, Michael!
Perhaps I may add that in the tradition of the orthodox churches the gift of tears has nothing disparaging but is considered a holy gift. A point I always have to think about.
mvs - Jun 29, 2009 3:35 am - Hasn't voted
Re: That someone feelsThanks Reinhard :-). Well, in the wake of some truly tragic events I realized that because I write a lot (TOO much!) about all the great times in the mountains, I might give the impression that everything is always perfect. I'm an eternal optimist by personality, and that's the way I _want_ things to be. But by continually failing to tell _this_ story, I wasn't living up to my responsibility.
I have a lot of respect and trust for the summitpost community: they are friendly but experienced...never scornful or sarcastic. That is the way I try to be, so I consider myself among friends.
The "gift of tears," I like that, and agree it is a good thing to contemplate. Wisdom comes quietly, sometimes painfully...but is a gift nonetheless.
reinhard2 - Jul 1, 2009 4:54 pm - Voted 10/10
Re: That someone feels" ... The gift of tears, I like that, ..."
There's an interesting link here.
klimbien - Jul 1, 2009 4:41 pm - Voted 10/10
Articles of FaithThanks for these words of Wisdom. I recall a BD catalog back in the mid 90's that told a story from the belayers perspective of watching an adjacent climber - losing focus and dropping his climbing partner. Ended with his partner going through months of surgery on both ankles. The PhD learned from the school of hard knocks is priceless - I appreciate this wake up call and I can promise you, I am a more attentive climber and belayer now.
klwagar - Jul 1, 2009 11:35 pm - Voted 10/10
Thanks for the confessionwe all have those tales - some just worked out and we got away with it...this time. It is so easy for that one moment of not knowing the route, of thinking we can get by with less protection, of taking our eyes off of our climber so we can take their photo...Fortunately for you, it was a lesson and not the end of the story, climb on friend. It was a good story.
Charles - Jul 2, 2009 1:51 pm - Voted 10/10
HonestAn honest account - I respect that! We´ve all dropped a bollock it´s tough when we get caught out on it though.
Cheers and thanks again for that.
Charles
mvs - Jul 9, 2009 8:54 am - Hasn't voted
Re: HonestThanks a bunch Charles. I feel a lot of friendship here, and thank you for that!
marauders - Jul 2, 2009 4:53 pm - Hasn't voted
Excellent articleI appreciate your honesty, particularly in this statement "I didn't care what kind of narrative that would project about my resilience. The stories we tell ourselves about goals met, failures overcome, about "getting back on the horse," seemed hollow and pointless." I've grappled with those feelings as well. Ultimately for me, there is no justification for not being there for my wife and kids. I have to know my limits and play by the rules, even the simple/mundane ones. Thanks for that window into your experience.
mvs - Jul 9, 2009 8:53 am - Hasn't voted
Re: Excellent articleAbsolutely. Actually that sentence you quoted was one of the main realizations for me. It was hard to admit to myself that I didn't FEEL the way I thought I was SUPPOSED to feel, you know? Then it took even longer to be okay with that. Ah...pop psychology...:p
Diggler - Jul 8, 2009 7:19 pm - Voted 10/10
Glad it turned out all rightWhile you still suffer the psychological trauma of your mistake & the consequences, I think that the important things are that you guys both made it out OK; your partner forgave you (we all DO make mistakes- some are just costlier than others); your family didn't lose you; & you learned a valuable lesson.
It's a human tendency to scrutinize your own mistakes, as well as lay perhaps an overly critical amount of blame on yourself following an 'accident.' Since you guys are still on good terms, your buddy healed up OK & even got to still pursue his big Patagonia climbs, & things are 'normal' again for all parties involved, all is well that ends well. Sounds like you learned your lesson- now you just have to forgive yourself (many of us would likely have done the same thing you did, in a moment of poor decision making...).
Glad you are both OK.
Thanks for writing this- it is good for anyone reading, & helps to remind all of us that things can, & do, go wrong, & that simple safety precautions can literally mean the difference between life & death. I will remember this story when I'm up on the cliff.
Take good care. -Dirk
P.S. Wow- that was a really big fall.
mvs - Jul 9, 2009 6:59 am - Hasn't voted
Re: Glad it turned out all rightThanks Dirk. Yep, lots of folks have been through much worse, with actual, real lasting consequences. This experience was as close as I've come to those kinds of consequences, and in writing it down I just want to convey that it was close enough...it bothered me for a long time. At the same time, writing it down and getting feedback from people has helped me very much to put it in perspective. I'm still a "cup is half full" kind of guy, this was just something that gave me pause and took a while to process. :-)
Liba Kopeckova - Jul 9, 2009 7:41 am - Voted 10/10
wow...what a storyThanks for sharing this story. Hopefully, it will make you feel better about the accident. Good luck in your future climbs!
mvs - Jul 12, 2009 3:25 pm - Hasn't voted
Re: wow...what a storyThanks Liba, you too!
mountainmanjohn - Oct 1, 2009 9:52 am - Hasn't voted
HonestThanks for the honest way you told your story. The mountains are a Dangerous place. Thats one reason we love 'em but we must be aware. I have been close to serious error. But blessed with no damage on that occation.
Thanks again
John
DTressler - Oct 28, 2009 8:01 pm - Voted 10/10
DtresslerSage advice. I have been suprised over the years at how cavalier climbers can be on this issue. I know of one fairly well-documented death in which it was a professional guide who failed to protect the belay on an easy-but-exposed pitch on the Grand Teton. The failure to protect the belay almost cost the life of the second and actually might have cost his life by lengthening his fall.